Most of us try to be the bestversions of ourselves in ourrelationships. We try to listenwell, be supportive and actthoughtfully and with kindness.But sometimes things getcomplicated, and our emotionsget the best of us. We end upspeaking and behaving in waysthat are detrimental to ourrelationships and ourselves.Although its never an excuse totreat the ones we love badly, itsimportant to consider where thebehaviour stems from to learnhow to correct it.
We reached out to two experts for their advice.
Lisa Brookman, aclinical psychotherapist basedin Montreal, says…
In my psychotherapy practice, Ifrequently deal with clients whofeel that theyve become the toxicperson in their relationship. Thisoften presents as neediness, unrealisticexpectations and jealousy.Its important to acknowledge thatthese behaviours rarely stem frombad intentions. Rather, they comefrom a place of insecurity and lowself-esteem. (Psst: Here are ways to remind yourself you’re worthy.) The first step towardfixing the problem is to take ownershipof the negative behaviourand put steps in place to improveyour self-worth. Its extremely difficult to have a positive relationshipwith your loved ones whenyou have a negative self-view.
Thatbeing said, heres how you can goabout building self-esteem:
1. Consider talking to a therapist,who can provide you with toolsand techniques to help you appreciateyour value and learn how tocommunicate in healthier ways.
2. Dont beat yourself up. If youvesaid the wrong thing or behaved inways youre not proud of, rememberthat youre human and everyonemakes mistakes. Offer up an apologyand learn from your misstep.
3. If youve made an effort to workon yourself and youre still findingit difficult to maintain a healthyrelationship, examine whether itbrings out the best in you. Healthyrelationships should. Sometimesits just bad chemistry, and its betterto cut ties.
Elizabeth Wiener, an educatorwho lives with depression andanxiety, says
Although Ive been happily marriedto my husband for 22 years,there are many instances where Ifind myself behaving in ways thatfeel unhealthy. While its not one ofthe most talked about symptoms,generalized anxiety disorder can affect your ability to communicateeffectively and kindly with lovedones. Although my intention wasnever to cause hurt, my anxietymade me feel agitated and left meshort-tempered, curt and impatient.
Fortunately, I realized thatI needed to address the source ofthe problem to start feeling healthierand more balanced.Through therapy, I learnedabout self-compassion, acceptanceand commitment therapy, whichis an approach to help moderateanxiety and appreciate onesself-worth.Ive also learned that exercisehelps defuseanxious feelingsand give me a sense of clarity.After a run, yoga class or boxinglesson, I always feel less emotionaland more grounded and am able tocommunicate more effectively.
Finally, I give myself permissionfor a timeout when I feel edgy,angry or impulsive. Taking somedeep breaths and practising a fewminutes of mindfulness help meexpress myself rationally and constructivelywithout hurting anyonesfeelings.
Together, Elizabeth Wiener andLisa Brookman form WiseWomenCanada.com. Follow them on Instagram at @wisewomencanada.
Next, check out what Elizabeth and Lisa suggest doing if anxiety is ruining your sex life.
The post Are You the Toxic One in the Relationship? appeared first on Best Health Magazine Canada.